Thoughts....

WARNING: Long, and emotional (well, for me) post ahead.....

Lots on my mind about the whole baby department.

Well, that's what I've been having. Thoughts. What kind of thoughts? Thoughts of another baby. Yes, you heard right. Another Ashcraft baby. In some ways I want to have another one, and start trying, and then other parts of me say: No, not right now. Unfortunately, for me. The part that is saying yes, start trying feels more and more like the spirit rather than me. I've had this feeling since about March. The feeling where I just feel overwhelmed with the thought that we need to start trying for another one, and soon. I'm not quite sure as to why we need to, but feel that I need to do some more praying. I need reassurance that another baby now is what needs to happen for our family. Trying for a baby is scary for me. Very nerve wracking.

The last time we prayed about if we should have a baby, we got the answer that: "Yes, you need to start trying now." So we did. We got pregnant a couple of months later, and were excited. We then went to my 12 week appt., in Nov., right before Thanksgiving. I saw our baby on the screen, and it looked a lot smaller than what all the books were saying it should. Then, my doctor did the measurements, and I saw the measurement: 8.5 weeks. I knew. I just knew. At that time, the room become a tunnel. It was me, and this screen. I didn't see anything else, except for our baby. That was no longer with us. My doctor put the doppler part of the screen, and I saw no blood going through the umbilical cord, or to my baby. My heart sank. We had lost our baby, at 11.5 weeks. For some reason, my body had not started the miscarriage process. We scheduled a D&C, and the day before Thanksgiving my body started the process. It was a painful process, both mentally, and physically. I was confused and had soooo many questions. I didn't know why this happened, or why Heavenly Father had this as his plan. He had told us to start trying, but why if this is what was going to happen? So, I was told by my doctor to wait at least one cycle before trying again. We did, and the day before Easter, we found out we were expecting again. Wow. BUT. Another set back. It took forever for the line to show up on the pregnant test, and I knew. Again. I knew. Something wasn't right. I called my doc on Monday, and had an appt. scheduled for a week later. But on Monday night I had a little spotting. Brett told me not to worry and to take it easy the next day. Relax and chill. So I did. Then Wednesday morning, it was apparent something was wrong. I knew something was wrong. I had started bleeding, and called my doctor. I was told to come in for a blood level check. The next day they told me my numbers, and said that I was indeed pregnant, and that we would recheck the levels in 2 days. They should double. They didn't. They decreased. So once again, we had tried for a baby, gotten pregnant, but it didn't stay with us. I was angry. Confused, angry, hurt, sad, and angry some more. I was angry with Heavenly Father. I had no idea why this was the plan, and frankly was tired of HIS plan. The emotions lasted for a while. My doctor told me to wait AT LEAST 2 cycles. If/When I became pregnant, I needed to call right away, b/c they would get my levels checked, and start me on Progesterone. I agreed, and really had no problem waiting. Why would I want to go through this again? So, I started thinking. I realized that I shouldn't be angry w/ Heavenly Father, but somehow trust in him and trust his plan. I didn't want to trust. I did that, and had been hurt. I got very angry, and didn't care to really go to church, or have anything to do with church. Anybody that I saw that was pregnant, I was incredibly jealous. Especially if they were having an easy, no complications pregnancy. I thought about everything and thought a lot.

I decided that 2 cycles wouldn't be bad to wait, maybe more.

I wanted to lose a little bit of weight, and let my body recover. So I started WW. I was happy on WW, and was doing great. Things got better as I admitted I was angry with Heavenly Father. It was amazing. As soon as I admitted my anger, and told Heavenly Father and Brett that I was angry, and mad, my feelings seemed to melt. I felt happier, and my soul felt much lighter. It was then that I realized I needed to admit my anger. Over the next few months, things started to get better. I was losing the weight I wanted, and feeling lots better. Two cycles came and went, and Brett asked if I was ready to start trying again. I told him no. I said that I had a few more pounds to lose, and didn't quite feel ready again. I was nervous. Flat out scared crapless. So, the end of my third cycle came, and I said I wasn't fully ready to start trying, but I wasn't going to prevent. I didn't chart my temps, and I didn't really look at the calendar. Except, for one day I was exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I had to take a nap, or else I was going to fall over and die. Later that day I looked at the calendar. I was supposed to be starting my period in the next 3 days. I KNEW. My periods came like clock-work. I'm not kidding. I could almost tell you down to the hour. So, I bought a pregnant test, and decided that if I didn't start my period in the middle of the night, that I would test. EARLY. I told Brett that I thought I was pregnant and he said, well, why don't you wait a week and then test. Me, being impatient, tested anyway. It said:

That is the exact picture from that test. I was pregnant. Again. I felt MUUUUCH more at ease with this one. I called the doc on Monday, went in that same day for levels to be drawn, and was called in a prescription for Progesterone.

I had no idea what was in store for this pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant at 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, when you find out that early, you're pregnancy goes by real slow.

At 5,5 weeks, I got horribly sick with a virus. Lots of people said that's really scary, b/c a virus can cause you to miscarry if you're still early in pregnancies. YIKES. I got through that fine, and then was sick the next 10 weeks. Didn't realize until after my pregnancy, and after people told me that Progesterone tends to do that to you.

That is my first hesitation with having another baby. Now, given the fact, that I will be put on Progesterone early on again, I still get nervous with the history of 2 miscarriages.

So, in the end we got a beautiful baby girl...

Lily Reese....

I was so happy that she was finally here, and safe. I was over the moon. She has been an easy baby from the time she was born, and is so incredibly sweet. She is such a big girl, but at the same time is still such a baby.

My 2nd hesitation is this (granted, it's not as huge as my first one): I had 5 1/2 years to get to know Molly one on one before having Lily. I'm so worried that she will be jipped if we have another baby this quick. I'm afraid that I won't get to know her as well as I got to know Molly before Lily arrived. I'm worried about the age difference and how it will affect me. Will I go crazy with having 2 kids that close in age, will I breeze through it? Will I still get to know Lily? What do you other moms think about the age? Would you prefer more time in between, does it work for you? Why? Do you feel that your other child(dren) got jipped?

I didn't expect this post to be this long, but once I got on the subject of the beginning of trying, it just all poured out of my fingers. It's good for scrapbooking purposes to have it down too, so I just kept going. Let me know what ya'll think about my hesitations. I'm needing some advice from other mom's. I know I ultimately will have to kneel down and pray extremely hard, and listen. That will be my ultimate answer, but it will help to have some advice from other moms with kids close in age and if you also have some far in age.

Thank you for sticking with me through this LOOOOONG post. Bet you didn't think I had that in me did ya?

Well, I better go now........off to do something productive.

My girls!!!